Spirituality is Not Easy
I am a spiritual user and admitting it is the first step. Through my travels, I have come across so many wonderful people who taught me meditation: nuns, monks, old psychics who reeked of cat pee/cigarettes. All of them told me the same thing, “Do not be afraid, be patient.” I nodded my pretty little head and sat practicing what Buddha did all those centuries ago. Life would become better and I would gradually lose interest in sitting at home to achieve nirvana. Like clockwork, the old issues would return in new forms with me sticking my tongue out at them.
Why this again? I would ask the heavens. I meditated for a month and I got nothing for it, I would angrily say to no one in particular. So I would start and stop multiple times. Always gung-ho is the beginning and then snoozing by the end. I blamed religion and spirituality. It didn’t work, I reasoned because it just doesn’t. I slowly fell into bitterness and spat at the concept of holiness.
I have been meditating now since I knew I had to change jobs. After the dog walk, ten minutes during lunch in my car with the air-conditioning full blast and then a repeat at night after my reality shows. It didn’t bring peace at first. Nope I had bunny hopped too many times to coast on past efforts. This was starting from scratch. My mind would race thinking about unemployment, living in my car or sharing my dog’s food. It was exhausting and my anxiety would skyrocket, thus defeating the purpose. Then slowly, with some kindness from others, I began to feel better. I sent out resumes and joined a headhunter group. Things started turning around.
Then today I challenged myself, would I give this up again? Would I throw out six weeks of hardwork when life resumes its leisurely place? It took my a moment to realize I had been using spirituality as a means to an end. When I got what I wanted I raced off to join the living. This is a sobering self-truth and one I never considered before. If I didn’t get what I wanted from it, I’d pout. If I did get what I wanted, I left. Simple as that – a very complicated subtext of narcissism. So tonight I have decided to do away with spiritual expectations.
A wise man in Thailand told me that I was impatient and life was a journey and not a destination, sure Pops I thought. Easy for you to say when you have lived your life. However, he was exactly right and I needed that kick in the pants. Now I am giving myself that kick and it is exactly what I needed. Only this time I am wearing a vintage floral dress.